Friday Shoe Porn

• "The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw." Jack Handy and shoes, it's almost as perfect as a circle. Or MGD and suicide chicken wings.

• Want male attention without having to spin around a pole? Take these babies for a test drive. The more I look at these, the less tacky they seem but I've been beaten down by the world lately so what the hell do I know.

• Madonna wore these shoes: A variation of the ones on the left in her tiki-hut/Flinstones ensemble, (either that or something that would involve her having an umbrella and bendy straw sticking out of her left ear) and the pair on the right in a heavily photo-shopped Louis Vuitton ad. Amazing what a little Vaseline on a camera lense will do. Anyway, as you see in the ad, she wore a brown version but I think they they look much nicer in red. Nearly everything looks better in red. Except my eyes after an all-nighter. Although I do think it would be cool if periods were magenta instead...

• Shauna Sand saw these and then her eyeballs promptly fell out and rolled under the wheels of a bus. I'm really hoping we won't have to hear about her anymore but she'll probably get new lucite eyeballs. Can't keep a good skank down...

• Yeah, I know. Clogs. Even the word is ugly and half sounds like a person is hoarking when they say it. I include these because they're comfortable as all get out and; I am privy to the information that in the 1970's guys would utilize their clogs in fights by flinging them off their foot to bean a dude: "Keep your fuckin' hands off my April Wine 8-track, ya fuckin' goof!"