Amuse-Bouche

• Let’s just pause for a moment shall we and visually inhale the sartorial splendor that is Michael Stipe.  Looking at this is better than Yoga. It’s right up there with lying on your back in the grass on a perfect summer afternoon and watching the clouds whirl overhead while sipping cherry Kool-Aid from a thermos lid...
  

• In response to the outrage over monkeying with the English subtitles in the DVD edition of Swedish film 'Let the Right One In,’ Magnolia Entertainment has stated they will use the original captions from the cinematic release on all further copies.  For people who bought one of the currently-released DVD's, Magnolia will not be issuing refunds. I wonder how 'gypped' translates.
    
  
• If food auctions ever hit here, I’d stock up on condiments. Nothing gets you through hard times like mustard sandwiches or pasta with ketchup. Relish is fruit, right?
  
  
• The New York Times reports that Vice President Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley has been allegedly caught on tape snorting cocaine at a party and the person shopping the tape is asking for $400,000.  If this is true, I don’t know if it bothers me more that she’s: a) the daughter of the Vice-President of the United States or; b) a social worker or; c) a social worker with anger managemet issues.  I know social work is an extremely demanding job and cocaine use is certainly far from unheard of in the demanding realm of lawyers, restaurant kitchen staff and literally making the downtime ‘fly’ in professional car sales. However, the Post takes the article to a whole new level of distasteful T(oo) M(uch) I(nformation) by revealing Joe Biden’s two sons are named Beau and Hunter.  See, cocaine and “rules are for the little people” behaviour from the children of powerful public figures I can digest, no problem. Palin-esque names, I can't. Particularly not on a quiet, rainy Sunday. I feel violated and invaded. I need to scroll back up and refresh my sensibilities with that Michael Stipe picture.  
  

It's Probably A Good Thing I Don't Have Photoshop

German photographer Ivonne has recently done a series inspired by, of all things, anorexic women.  She initially wanted to use some members of the ‘pro-ana’ movement in Germany but they pulled out. I guess they were too weak to get out of their hospital beds, their noon-time grape really took it out of them or they kept fainting on the way there, so the photographer used regular models and photoshopped them to look like they weighed 32kilos or about 70lbs.  

I don't know what's worse: a pictorial of real emaciated, organ-damaged, fuzzy chicks with bad breath in stupid little outfits resembling bandages and straightjackets - or fake ones.  I would think real anorexics would be more avant-garde... 

If I had photoshop I totally know what I would be doing with it. Something important.

Like taking this: 

...and adding this:

...and getting THIS. Isn't s/he magical? 

I Can Hasz More Teddy Ga Ga Timz? KTHXBY

According to GossipSauce.com, Perez Hilton apparently needs more time to take Teddy Hilton to the park and hang with Lady Ga Ga’s one woman no-pants show, so he has hired three writers to handle the content and no longer does any of the writing on his site.  All Perez contributes now are the video blogs he posts from time to time. I do wonder though if he still takes the time for the juvenile doodles of penii, bodily functions and powdered drug residue on the celebrity photos.  Certainly he can make time for that, they’re practically his trademark.

I popped over there to see what the deal was and I did notice, that if this is true, they're ghostwriters.  Nice job, Mario. Not. 

What is the point of writing if nobody knows who you are? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Dude must pay pretty good, that's all I have to say.  Thankfully, I have enough maribou boas.

Katie Holmes Back to Usual Wrung-Out Dishrag Self

Katie Holmes  looked so lovely with new hair recently when out with her $cientolo-spouse Tom Thumb Miscavige Mapother Cruise III. Tom took his beard’s weave and cankles out in something he told her to put on because stirrup pants and shoes from 1986 remind him of his Top Gun glory days which I suspect is the only way (along with a blindfold) he can get it up with females. 

Unfortunately, the glamour didn’t last and Cinderella did indeed turn back into a pumpkin after the latest E-Meter reading to cleanse her of any Body Thetans she might have picked up along the way, because this is what she looked like yesterday:  

Poor Katie. She looks so sad and pathetic. The only thing this woman has to look forward to is Stockholm Syndrome.  For her sake I hope it hits soon. Oh wait, that's a "psychiatric" condition and a MAJOR $cientolo-no-no. Sorry hon, you're screwed.  

Amuse-Bouche

• Ozzy f*cking Osbourne is f*cking going to learn how to drive a bollocky f*cking car at Sixty years old and no, he’s not too bloody f*cking old, thank you very much. Park your cars and roll up the roads. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)
  

• Holly Madison's “broken rib?” Is that what the PR flunkies are calling a busted boob bag these days?  
  
  
• RiRi! RiRi! Where she yed? – Dissa gyal need fe satta down an’ reason…If you don't speak Trini/Guyanese/Bajan/Jamaican or anything else BWI (that’s British West Indies), what I said was:  “Where is this chick’s head?  She needs to seriously check herself.” These tattoos just shock the bejeezus out of me in light of recent domestic violence events.  All I see in this ink is a horrible sense of foreshadowing. I seriously hope I'm wrong.  Here's a link to the article and more pictures from the UK Daily Mail.
  

Were Square Pans Too Much to Ask?

This is why you need to visit Cakewrecks:

When this is requested...

And THIS is what the bakery gives you...

As of this writing, the bride is still in therapy from the meltdown this caused.  Don't screw with brides man, they take that whole "I've dreamed of this day since I was a little girl..." delusional shit real serious. Their emotional state is precarious. I think there should be a classification on the mental illness 'Bride-To-Be' disorder in the DSMv4, with 'Bridezilla-ism' as a subcategory. It's a slippery slope from the former to the latter as I understand. 

Regardless, my withered, black, covetous unmarried heart feels sorry for this woman.  I wonder if their wedding banns in the local paper was followed by the item "Shooter Opens Fire in Local Bakery." 

You Know They Won't Do Any Time...

Our pets are evil skeeziks, eee-VIL!  My cat knows that if he pulls that usual cat bullshit of pretending to walk along with me and then dekeing across my path of travel, he’s going to get stepped on.  So, he doesn’t do that anymore but apparently he’s been giving some thought to retaliation and 'how to fuck a bitch up.' 

It started off innocuously enough with him developing this recent habit of lying on my lower legs. 

About a week ago I was in bed and woke up not being able to feel my feet and there he is on my lower legs.  I said "get down." Twice. No response, except for some minimal stink-eye and the old one-ear turn. I bucked my legs to launch him off me and didn’t realize that between his weight and the sheets wrapped around my body, my legs weren’t going anywhere. My lumbar spine did though, it just up and decided it was going out. Didn’t say when it would be back either. 

My back was out for a couple of days and then I was hit with a flare-up of sciatica which is still ongoing.   I’m convinced that while they’re here under the guise of alleged companionship, these little terrorists in fur coats pass up no opportunity to maim us when said opportunity it presents itself and now I have proof. 

"I Am Not Economically Viable"

Oh look, here’s a picture from Jezebel.com of Jessica Biel being miserable without her partner in sodden Kleenex Justin Timberlake. Note the crazily parked vehicle in the background. This reminds me of the scene in ‘Falling Down’ when Michael Douglas’s character, William Foster, flips hid lid in a traffic jam and; just up and ditches his car in the middle of the centre lane thus embarking on his very public nervous breakdown.  

She looks like she’s clutching her cellphone and contemplating calling the suicide crisis hotline but she won’t, because she’s too busy enjoying her ‘beautiful pain.’

Why Not Just Call it "C'Mon In Y'all!"

Magnolia distributors has released 'Let the Right One In' on DVD and totally maimed the subtitles. Judging by what I've seen, and it ain't pretty (Icons of Fright), the subtitles have been dumbed down to such a degree that I would consider it unwatchable.  I suspect anyone who has seen the original would likely feel the same way. Does this distributor think the US market is so remedial that the original subtitles were somehow vastly over their heads?  That the syntax of the original Swedish to English subtitles is too convoluted for North American audiences to follow? 

It was put forth by Popmatters.com that it was likely cheaper to create new subtitles than pay for the rights to the original ones, and:

"...there’s the sneaking suspicion that, beyond all the initial hand wringing and kvetching, many in the moviegoing public wouldn’t know about the change, and therefore wouldn’t care that they’re missing the movie as it was meant to be seen. While it sounds cynical, filmmaking and the distribution of same is still a business, and driven by commerce as well as art." 

So, at the end of the day, commerce takes a big dump all over art and figures the herd won't notice. 'Let the Right One In' is just a 'quaint little' foreign film anyway that Popmatters.com says was lucky to see the light of day at all in terms of distribution at this level.

My question though is, if you're not seeing a film the way it was meant to be seen, what is the point?

I loved this 'little' film. It was beautiful and understated and I'm not going to try and pretend I know anything remotely 'filmic' in terms of analysis, but it's a genuine and heartfelt tale about a friendship between two young outsiders. 

It's very easy to relate to this film, vampire aspect aside. I don't consider it a 'vampire' story per se, rather it's a beautifully crafted testament to the innocence and fierce loyalty of young friendships before sexual awakening forever changes the dynamic. There is an element of this sexual awakening in the film, but it is budding, innocent and shy. As it should be. It's a movie about square pegs in round holes and I cheered for both Eli and Oskar. They deserve better.

So do the people who have yet to see this wonderful film.

Amuse-Bouche

• When an artist needs to create and the preferred media isn't at hand, they'll work with anything. Sometimes, they will deliberately seek to work with some kind of obscure/wack material(s) just because you know, they're artists and they're inquisitive. That's the only thing I can think of when I first saw the 'meat dress' a few years back.  Just as interesting, and substantially less gross, Artist iRI5 does musician and filmic portraits out of cassette tape.                                                 

• From Overheard in The Office - Minneapolis, Minnesota:

Male coworker #1: My wife bought me fuscia underwear last night.

Male coworker #2: Were they men's underwear?

Male coworker #1: Yep, but very fuscia.

Male coworker #3: Are you sure they weren't magenta?

Male coworker #1: What the hell is the difference?

Male coworker #3: Magenta is more manly, it has more blue it in.

• The Coen  Brothers are going to re-make 'True Grit' and apparently plan to stick very closely to the novel by Charlie Portis. I'm all for it, 'The Duke' worship be damned.  John Wayne hated horses. How can anybody who hates horses be a decent human being, nevermind as 'American icon?'

 

Why Vice Magazine Kicks Ass

I give you the Vice Magazine Guide to Toronto to atone on behalf of National Geographic for their anemic photo diary of my hometown that I posted a little while ago.  Here are some photos that are a little more representational of Toronto: 

(This has to be a Tim Horton's Drive-Thru)

(This is a store front in Little India. Actually, all our Dollar Stores look like this.)

(This is the annual Pride Parade, although if all our Dollar Stores were to explode at once, this is probably what it would look like...)

(This is a person sleeping on a grate to keep warm. Many homeless don't use the shelters because of the risk of assaults and having what few belongings they have stolen. The shelters turf the people out at 8am anyway and as you can see this picture was taken during the day. Notice how oblivious the passer-by is. That's de rigeur...the homeless are everywhere. The great 'Unseen.')

(Aren't lights "for no reason in particular" always pretty? Lights from Greektown on the corner of Logan and Danforth. This is during the summertime - I used to live just up the street on Logan. "OPA!")

What Are You? Some Kind of Fruit?

Like anybody needs a reason to have their finger up their nose, that's what I said until I saw this: Revlon is launching 8 fruit-scented nailpolishes this April.  AI KNOOOW!

The polishes become fruit-scented (according and appropriate to the colour I presume) after they dry.  Fashionista reports the scent is indeed noticeable and extremely appealing in that 'Sharpie' and 'Liquid Paper' kind of way. 

Most importantly, they go on smooth and don't wear like crap:

"General impression: The colors are pretty, the polish goes on smooth, they didn’t chip easily and the scents are alarmingly addictive. No they don’t really fulfill any specific beauty needs, nor are they some groundbreaking development for the industry, but boy are they fun. And every now and then it’s nice to have a little bit of silliness in your routine. (Fashionista)"

And here I thought my routine was already silly, this just takes it to a HO. NUBA. LEBEL.

"The most beautiful women in the world wear Revlon," and when we run into each other on the streets with our digits under our noses, we'll know why and just wink and nod at each other.

I love it!!

"I Visited McCook NB & All I Got Was The Lousy Chair"

Small towns are quaint aren't they? I grew up in a small town and by and large the people are resourceful, neighbourly (read: nosey), there's one public school for each grade-level group, a Catholic highschool, post office, volunteer fire department and a grocery store.  Usually there's a water tower that is situated somewhere near the town arena and/or park. The name of the town is normally painted on the tower too, that's so the people driving through the town or taking a scenic hot-air balloon ride don't blink and miss the name on the little four-corners 'Welcome to Anytown' sign. 

My small town was even on a stagecoach route. 

By golly small towns have history in spades, that's for sure.

Peel away the Currier and Ives fuzzies of small towns though and you'll find that without regional and provincial or state funding, they are screaming for cash to maintain their infrastructure.  I recall reading that my small town only went to sewer systems within the last 2 years or so. Previously everybody had septic tanks (I promise to write about them some other time).

Lots of small towns have things like fairs, seasonal festivals and are really strict with their pet licensing policies and bylaw fines so they can scrape together some cash at the local level to help keep their burg bobbing above the financial waterline.

So, it stands to reason that folks in the town of McCook Nebraska - population 8,000 - want to take "Old Sparky" off the state's hands - since it's not doing anything with it, mind you. See, the good folks in McCook think the electric chair would be a smashing tourist attraction:

(AP) "Fifteen men were executed in the chair, which is about 210 miles east of McCook at the Nebraska State Penitentiary in Lincoln.

Corrections department spokeswoman Connie Nemec says there are no immediate plans to move the chair."

Well I would think not, given the town of Licoln would probably want to keep such a hot tourist-y tchotke all to itself. Being it's a much bigger town than McCook, Licoln could invest in and support its star tourist attraction with t-shirts, pendants and bumperstickers ("I went to the Chair in Licoln NB") etc.  

I think McCook should stand firm, circulate a petition and write the governer to get that chair. Nothing should mobilize a community more than exploiting a tool of capital punishment for local gain.  

I hope they get that chair and the spirits of the 15 individuals that died in it haunts the shit out of McCook Nebraska.  

These men may have been convicted criminals but the chair should be treated with the solemnity and respect it deserves as having been an instrument to end life, not put out there like some sideshow attraction.

The ghouls of McCook who want this chair might as well cut a hole in the seat and stick a pot of geraniums in it too. Just for some added flair. 

Amuse-Bouche

• The Circle Jerks are still around? (Brooklynvegan.com)

• Supermodel Natasha Ellie is reportedly the 'other woman' behind the altercation between Chris Brown and Rihanna that resulted in his devastating assault on the pop singer (entertainment.oneindia). Apparently this woman has been lurking around for awhile and Rihanna even tried to reach out to her but Natasha denied everything. THAT'S classic homewrecker behaviour, they get off on 'clowning' the man's partner. Here's the ho-bag's MySpace page if you're interested. Rihanna, there are plenty more fish in the sea so lose the man-child and focus on yourself.

• In an earlier post I asked the question whether Jade Goody degraded herself or was being brave in her very public battle in her last days with cervical cancer (ladies, get your pap tests). Syko commented quite rightly that it was neither, rather it could be said that she was acting with her sons' futures in mind because The Telegraph UK reports that Jade left her sons 4 million pound which is over $8 million dollars CDN.  I admit I didn't really know her story but for a woman who overcame a lot only to lose her life at such a young age (27), leaving behind two young children, touches a chord in all of us - or at least it should. The last part of the article is particularly moving. Little children are so wise, and often know exactly what to say. Bless their hearts, they're lucky to have such a devoted mum who tried to do her best by them, and succeeded. Rest well, Jade.

• Apparently the latest celebrity trend is blue nailpolish. I've been doing that since 1982. Next! 
  

Some Random Guy in the UK Totally 'Owns' It

Wouldn't you just DIE to have a shirt with a photo negative version of yourself on it? I know I would. This is what Kanye would look like if he had a clue.

New Grant Morrison Stuff: Geeks and Nerds Worldwide Hyperventilate and Pass Out En Masse...

Grant Morrison is a Scottish comic book author and illustrator.  He's got some really heavy ideas and he does do some speaking dates, or at least he did. He has a chapter in Disinformation's 'Book of Lies' on magick and the use of sigils which is an extremely "out there" read. The man is wicked smart, personally intense and very counter-culturally minded. He is currently working on a new project which is exciting for the genre: 

From Vulture: "In an interview with Comic Book Resources, superstar author Grant Morrison let slip that he's currently working on a mini-series for DC Comics featuring the Charlton Comics superhero characters Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons used as the basis for Watchmen, and that he intends to tell the story in a Watchmen-esque fashion, "written backwards and sideways and filled with all kinds of symbolism." The series may not be published until sometime next year, but given Morrison's longtime rivalry with Moore, and DC's probable desire to capitalize on one of its all-time best-selling books while deftly sidestepping an artistically sacrilegious sequel, the result ought to be very interesting. [Comic Book Resources]"

Amuse-Bouche

• Eminem is putting down his philly cheesesteak and inducting Run-DMC into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on April 4th. Their re-make of Aerosmith's 1975 classic 'Walk This Way' in 1986 "became Hip-Hop’s first Top 5 single, and laid the blueprint for future rock-rap hybrid acts in Faith No More, Korn, and Limp Bizkit." (AllHipHop.com) Good God, the best they can come up with is these three? The Beastie Boys' 'Licensed to Ill' came out in 1986 with '(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party)' which, if not bigger than Run-DMCs remake, was at the very least parallel in influence. But hey, if AllHipHop.com wants to blame the aural diarrhea that is Limp Bizkit on Run-DMC, be my guest.

• 'Big Brother' UK reality show star Jade Goody passed away from cancer  (Now MagazineUK). I don't know really how I feel about her being so public with her final days with the disease.  What do you think: Did she degrade herself by courting this publicity or was she being brave in sharing her struggle?

• I'm ashamed to post this. Actually, I'm more ashamed of National Geographic. What a bunch of lame-o squares! This is supposedly a pictorial of Toronto Culture. Where's Gay Pride? Where are the crackheads? Where is our amazing architecture and the hotdog vendors (best 'street-meat' in the world my friends, bar none so I've been told); Where are the mounted police and the road apples? Not one picture of our fabulous skyline at night. Anyway, here are some uderwhelming pictures (National Geographic) of my hometown. I suggest viewing right before bed. I know, you're probably thinking I'm already running out of material. Thankfully, that's not the case, so babies, don't you panic.

• Just in case we hate on celebrities too hard, it would behoove us to remember they were somebody's baby once so let's all take a moment shall we?: How Celebrities Looked When They Were Kids (Pickmeupnews.com)  - Okay, moment over. 

• Feast on these candids of the Beatles and the Rolling Stones (Rolling Stone). I never really saw the deal with Mick Jagger but thanks to picture #2, um, now I do. 
  

• You MUST see this documentary Sasquatch: Legend Meets Science if you're interested in cryptozoology. This is, to date, the definitive source of information and theories on the Sasquatch. Very well done.
  

Gene Simmons Hates Nature: There's No Bagels

This post pulls at my heart. I was a huge KISS fan. I mean HUGE. Aside from Ace Frehley and Peter Criss, Paul and Gene were instumentally useless, but nobody can dispute the importance or relevance of KISS. 

Then I grew up and realized what an egotistical, overblown, greedy, pendantic windbag Mr. Chaim Witz, aka Gene Simmons, is.

(Exhibit A: Allegedly plays bass guitar)

Plus, he can't bang worth sh*t; I saw the video. I won't post a link because I won't assault the eyes of my readers like that. You're welcome.

Anyway, Simmons has been here in the Great White North to find the next big thing in music. His logic is that if something as amazing as U2 can come out of a little 'nothing' of a country like Ireland, certainly there's a goldmine of talent in Canada; which there probably is and if this talent has any sense they'll stay miles away from this self-appointed music Kingmaker. 

Simmons' partner in co-habitation (his words, not mine), and mother of their two kids, Shannon Tweed is a former Playboy model who hails from Newfoundland. She hasn't done much aside from birthing Nick and Sophie (they seem like alright kids though) except pose for naked pictures, screw everybody in Hollywood (according to Sharon Osbourne) and spend her "Genie's" stacks.

Well, to throw his wife a Canadian bone (he's gotta do something since we've seen what kind of bone he does throw...) he bought a place in Whistler B.C. for the family. He hates it. He doesn't like nature because he "can't make deals with mountains," and then throws in a biblical reference about the Hebrews wandering in the wilderness so he doesn't need to and something about bagels and jam.   

There's a reason Paul Stanley won't be seen with this man outside of anything KISS-related (I still love you Paul, you're one of the best rock frontmen ever) because he has what Simmons lacks: self-respect and self-esteem.  And a burning need, apparently, not to consistently make an ass out of himself in public.  Simmons crows about his love for the fans and yet I think Paul has more respect for the fans because, while they paint her up and trot out that old whore KISS  from time to time, he's not out trying to get his skeevy hands on anything and everything and making the whole damned band and its history feel coated in slime.

Gene Simmons may be phenomenally successful and rich, but at the end of the day he's still got nothing inside and he fills his God-shaped hole with money. I guess that's because money IS his God. 

Winehouse Bounced for M.I.A.

Amy Winehouse will not be performing at this year's Coachella Music Festival in Indio California and will be replaced by M.I.A. according to Perez Hilton.

Ms. Winehouse has been refused a work visa to enter the US due to her recent/ongoing/perpetual (pick one) legal problems arising from her rampant, and very public, drug and alcohol abuse. The latest legal snafu resulted from assault charges brought by a woman that Amy punched in the face last summer - after the woman had her picture taken with the chanteuse. Apparently Amy had become 'alarmed' by the flashbulbs. Okay. That's like going to a service station and being 'alarmed' by the presence of gas pumps. 

This gig at Coachella would have seen Amy play to her largest US audience ever and she's apparently upset about not going and so she should be. She had 'arrived' and then promptly took up with that walking syringe Blake Fielder-Civil and it all went to hell in a spoon...

M.I.A (Maya Arulpragasam) on the other hand is vibrant, shiny, intelligent and the brand-new mommy of baby Ikhyd. You'll notice she also uses soap and water, something Winehouse seems to have a hit and miss relationship with:

(Exhibit A: Looking for love, or possibly soap, in all the wrong places)

(Exhibit B: M.I.A - S.O.A.P.)

M.I.A can bring it and after seeing her, people will be saying "Amy who...? Oh right, that extremely talented chick who threw it all away."  

Here's a link to M.I.A.s 'Paper Planes' video.